


Clickbait

by SoftlyTea



Series: The Misguided Adventures of Liya and her Superiorly-Bred Mer [2]
Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Black Horse Courier, Clickbait, F/M, Shoddy Journalism, Skyrim advertising, Ten Things You Didn't Know About The Thalmor, Thalmor-baiting, clickbait is never okay, next week: 33 life-changing things you can do with a cabbage, not even when it's about Superiorly Bred Mer, superior rage, taking things personally, turn to page six NOW
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-12 16:11:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7113004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoftlyTea/pseuds/SoftlyTea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Black Horse Courier journalist picks an ill-advised fight. Ondolemar is unimpressed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clickbait

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. This... maybe needs some explanation.
> 
> It started with [a picture.](http://softlytea.tumblr.com/post/144448372183) Then [my husband happened.](http://softlytea.tumblr.com/post/144738776298/sunday-afternoon-in-the-softlytea-household) Oh, and did you know that [Altmeri erotica is among the best in Tamriel?](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6886264) True story. 
> 
> I am amazed and honoured that this ridiculous little thing also inspired two beautifully hilarious fics which you should definitely read:
> 
> [Tattle,](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6960271) by Imdex  
> [Top Ten - For the Thalmor Himself,](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6958729) by TheMulletWhisperer
> 
> Originally conceived as one of my 30 Days of Skyrim Drabbles, but a certain person that I may or may not have married told me that it needed to be a separate story, so... yeah. I guess Liya and Ondolemar have their own series now >.
> 
> Bethesda owns all, as ever, except Liya.

Liya was happily engaged in cleaning her sword when the door flew open with a crash and a seething Ondolemar strode across to the table to slam a piece of parchment down upon it.

She promptly cut short the tune she was humming and set aside the weapon carefully. Sharp objects and furious Justiciars did not seem a particularly wise combination - and judging by his expression, speaking probably wasn’t the best idea, either.

He jabbed his finger at the offending object.

‘What in the name of Oblivion is this?’

A response seemed to be required. She leaned forward and peered obediently at the page.

'It’s… the Black Horse Courier? It came over from Cyrodiil after the-’

'I know what the Black Horse Courier is! _This!_ ’ Another jab.

Liya gingerly edged the page across the table for a closer look.

'Ten Things You Didn’t Know About The Thalmor (Number Seven Will Shock You),’ she read aloud. 'Oh, I hate these things. Why do they feel the need to write such headlines, anyway? If the article was any good, they wou-’

'Read it.’

Ondolemar’s voice had dropped from its former angry snarl to the sort of menacing murmur that could probably very effectively precede someone dying in a creatively unpleasant way.

Liya raised an eyebrow and duly obeyed the publication’s exhortations to 'turn to page six NOW!,’ where she was greeted by a rather skilled artist’s impression of Ondolemar himself. She held the page up to compare the likeness. The scowl, especially, was near-perfect.

'Hey, that’s pretty good,’ she remarked. 'I wonder who-’

'Liya,’ Ondolemar interrupted, 'Just read the godsdamned article.’

Liya huffed and settled down to read.

**_Ten Things You Didn’t Know, &c. _**

_1\. Clothes make the man, it is said, and I think we can safely extend that to Mer, too. No matter how much distrust you may harbour for our resident Talos-haters, I’m sure we can all agree that their outfits are indeed superior. It is said that the design was inspired by a passage in an ancient text referring to holy warriors clad in black and gold, who…_

Liya glanced up.

'Ondolemar, could you pace a little less angrily? Your boot heels are distractingly loud.’

Ondolemar obligingly went to seethe in silence by the window instead.

_…who played an important role in the early days of Altmeri society. Whatever the history, we rather like them. And remember, Radiant Raiment in Solitude carries a range of Altmer-inspired designs for the discerning customer: Spring sale starts Fredas 18th._

_2\. Thalmor agents are exceptionally skilled in combat, especially the magical variety. However, given their longer lifespans, it is perhaps unsurprising. It is clear that Nords could be equally as superior, given a few more hundred years of life. (Increase your lifespan today! Genuine Scamp Skin Elixir, 1 bottle for 10 septims, 2 for 18, available every day in Riften’s marketplace for guaranteed vigour and vitality!)_

Liya smirked. She was beginning to see why Ondolemar was so angry; the wanton butchery of the Tamrielic language was quite impressive. 'Equally as superior’? Really? Amazing what passed for writing these days.

_3\. Tall, muscular, and torturously good-looking; if looks could kill, the Aldmeri Dominion would have no-one left to be superior to._

(Who _wrote_ this nonsensical horseshit, anyway?)

_We also wonder if what they say about tall men extends to Mer, too, but we’ll leave that to your imagination._

_4\. In a recent survey, 87% of participants said that they would consider going for dinner with a Thalmor agent if they were less fond of torture and death (take note, lonely Justiciars!), while Ondolemar of Markarth (pictured) comes a respectable fifth in the rankings in this month’s issue of 'Handsome Men of Skyrim’ (buy from your general store, only 2 septims, or talk to your local courier about subscription options today! Quote 'SUPERIOR’ for a 10% discount.)_

Liya failed to stifle her amusement this time. Ondolemar glared balefully at her, but said nothing.

_5\. The horrific reports from Northwatch Keep are enough to make even a Dunmer’s blood run cold. Heartless, ruthless, sadistic and brutally efficient - but could there be a glimmer of ‘humanity,’ if you’ll pardon the expression, under that murderous exterior? Tales from Ambassador Elenwen’s occasional soirees seem to indicate so._

_'One of them actually smiled,’ claims an anonymous onlooker, 'and it wasn’t a sneer either.’_

Goodness, thought Liya. Only half-way, and we’re already scraping the barrel.

_6\. You’d be forgiven for thinking that a busy schedule of inquisition and torment doesn’t allow for much relaxation, but when not hunting heretics, we can assume that our pointy-eared guests enjoy much the same pursuits as we do. After all, they have a rich cultural background and some of the best (if rather verbose) literature comes from the Alinor publishing houses. We hear that some is rather - risqué, but you didn’t hear that from us._

Liya made a mental note to ask Ondolemar about this when she was sure such a question wouldn’t cause further anguish.

_7\. Little is known of the Embassy’s enigmatic interrogator. Perhaps this is for the best, as it is said that just one look at him could turn a black Khajiit white. Is it merely the knowledge of his professional expertise that causes such terror, or could he perhaps be hideously deformed? (We exhort our readers to stay safe, lest they unwillingly find out)._

…Ah. Oh dear.

_8\. The idea of a romantic relationship with a Thalmor agent should be laughable to any self-respecting son or daughter of Skyrim. However, rumour has it that such liaisons are not out of the question. On a completely unrelated note, getting your name known amongst the rich and powerful may afford you an invitation to the next lavish reception at the Embassy. Also, many Altmer are partial to Colovian brandy, and giving a bottle as a gift is considered a typical gesture of goodwill._

The fact that Ondolemar had just poured himself a glass of that very drink, necked it back in one swallow, and refilled it was so perfect as to be almost scripted.

_9\. Most Thalmor agents are expert users of fire magic. There is only one who is known never to do so (pictured), and he is also the only one not to have any hair. If this is a coincidence, it’s an amusing one. If it isn’t, well, even more so. Don’t worry, Commander. No-one’s expecting you to be superior all the time._

Liya felt the blood drain from her face.

'I swear, I haven’t breathed a word to anyone, I-’

'I _know._ You’re not an idiot.’  
_  
10\. Speak of the Daedra and they doth appear, and no-one quite knows just how far the Thalmor’s intelligence network extends. Some reports suggest that undercover informants spend their evenings at the inns, hoping to sniff out Talos worship, while we all know that our familiar Justiciars are never off duty. So, do be careful what you say when discussing this article in your local inn, perhaps over a pint of Honningbrew’s Spring Special: all-new recipe, all-new flavour, try it today!_

_Next week: 33 life-changing things you can do with a cabbage._

Liya laid the parchment back onto the table and chewed her lip thoughtfully. It was utter drivel, of course. No-one needed a stupid sensationalist rag to tell them that Altmer were tall and read books and smiled on occasion. Nevertheless, she didn’t think it merited Ondolemar’s murderous rage, but she feared that expressing anything of the sort would lead to aforementioned murderous rage being turned on her - a singularly unpleasant experience.

She decided to try a light-hearted tack.

'Only fifth in the rankings? Shall we go hunt down numbers one to four?’

In retrospect, it probably wouldn’t have mattered much what she had said at that point, as anything would have been taken as a signal to release the pent-up torrent of ire that followed.

'This is an _outrage!_ We are the _ruling body_ of the Aldmeri Dominion! This is an _affront_ and an _abomination_ and it is utterly _obscene!_ And I am most assuredly _not_ “of Markarth!” As if this craggy wretch of a city coul-’

'Have you ever considered that maybe you take things just a little too personally? It’s just a stupid article they write to bring in advertising money, after all. No-one actually pays any attention to them.’

He rounded on her with a glare that would reduce a lesser being to tears.

'How _dare_ y- augh! Just wait until Rulindil hears of this!’

As her enraged lover snatched up parchment and quill to scratch out a furious note to the Embassy’s 'enigmatic’ (and/or deformed) interrogator, Liya allowed her mind to wander. As a race, the Altmer were somewhat highly strung, and yes, it was a ridiculous, pointless excuse for an article, but even so, it was hardly 'obscene’… And they were right about the robes, at least.

It wasn’t long, however, before she had moved on to contemplating how even one use for a cabbage could be considered ‘life-changing.’

Well, now she’d have to get the next edition. Daedra take these accursed articles.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Rude Interruption](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14355666) by [LycanQueen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LycanQueen/pseuds/LycanQueen)




End file.
